Cursed
by golden starfish
Summary: Events begin to cast doubt over the state of the thing McKay values the most, his mind. Set shortly after Trinity. [COMPLETE]
1. Part 1

**Warnings:** Angst and dark themes. One graphic description of the death of a non-central character (canon death) in a later chapter.  
**Season/Episode: **Set after "Trinity"  
**Spoilers:** Stargate Atlantis through Season 1 & 2 up to and including "Trinity" also spoilers for Stargate SG:1 "Sight Unseen"

**A/N: **Massive thanks and chocolate to my beta, imskysmom. Thanks also to Kayli. This fic was intended as a standalone, and can be read as such, but _may_ at some point in the far and distant future have a sequel.

* * *

**Part 1**

Why wasn't he opening the door? The life signs detector said he was in there. Just open the door!

"McKay! Rodney!" Sheppard banged on the door. He had tried to bypass the mechanism just as he'd seen McKay do many times before. It didn't work. Thinking of McKay's microphone he'd found in the lab caused the sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach intensify. Sheppard figured recent events must have taken their toll but he didn't think… not McKay, McKay would fight.

Wouldn't he?

* * *

**A few weeks earlier, sometime after the ill-fated Arcturus weapons test…**

Sheppard cocked his head to the side; McKay looked pasty, although to be fair the only time he hadn't look pasty was when he was lobster red after getting frazzled by that star. Sometimes Sheppard wondered if McKay was a vampire. Granted, he didn't catch fire in the sunlight but he did his damned best to try and avoid it. There was something 'off' about McKay today. It wasn't so much the sluggish hand gestures or the confusion, it was the pallor; it was as though a vampire had actually sucked the blood out of his body, he was that pale

"Was there something you had to say?" McKay said impatiently.

Sheppard quickly straightened up. "No, nothing to add." Nice. Smoothly done, like they will never noticed you all but dozed off there.

"I'll schedule a recon mission for next week," said Weir.

Sheppard watched as McKay got up left the room muttering about 'the military and their guns' and 'transference of inadequacy' among other things Sheppard hadn't particularly wanted to think about. Sheppard gave a raise of his eyebrows and exited the room leaving Weir and Caldwell deep in conversation.

* * *

McKay got up off the bed, he couldn't sleep. Not that he particularly wanted to. Preferably he wanted to pass out, no dreams, no nightmares, nothing. He paced up and down his room, although it was more of a tight circle as his room wasn't big enough to pace in properly. Another coffee probably wouldn't help. Lately he seemed to have become immune to caffeine; nothing removed the fuzzy feeling from his head. McKay stopped pacing and walked towards the door.

* * *

No, no, no. Go to bed, don't leave, listen to me please, you need to stay here, you need to be quiet now. 

It was a futile request. As she made no audible sound, McKay could never know what she was saying. Atlantis hurt when she knew people were hurting, physically or mentally. She was here to serve them but also to act as their guardian. She wasn't to intervene when it wasn't wanted, that was the main rule, but to see this man, fighting his own demons and his own body's requirements; she wanted to do something before it was too late.

* * *

McKay wrestled with the door control crystals. Why wouldn't the damn thing open? His fingers clumsily moved over one and another. 'Now that was why you weren't a piano player. You'd be lucky to hit a clean note with finger work like that,' he thought as the door creaked and then opened.

* * *

It was strange. Not sleeping was meant to increase your appetite, yet he just didn't feel hungry. Rarely if ever nowadays did he seem to have an appetite. There was a strange feeling in his stomach, whether it was just nausea or nausea caused by hunger it amounted to the same thing. 

McKay looked up at the sky, clear blue. God this was like being in California, the number of sunny days each year. What a pity about the big killer storm every twenty years. He'd hoped the fresh air would reinvigorate him, wake him up, yet he still felt just as exhausted and tired as he had when he had woken eighteen hours ago.

Everything he touched nowadays was tainted with death. He was rather morose. He had noticed it, although it wasn't unexpected, after all, how many people had he seen die on this mission? Five? Ten now? Too many. This time was different though. Collins, the weapon, the solar system, it wasn't just about death this time; it was about failure, his ego and responsibility. Knowing when to say no and having the will to say it. Sheppard's anecdote about the pilots made its point; although why Sheppard hadn't dragged him out of there right then McKay didn't know. Sheppard knew he got caught up in things, in the excitement, the adrenaline; he became so focused on achieving his aim that everything else fell by the wayside. McKay turned and left the balcony, he wasn't feeling anymore awake but he headed back to the lab anyway.

* * *

Sheppard was about to enter the science lab when a large book came flying out the door and hit the corridor wall opposite. Maybe now wasn't such a good time after all. There were raised voices and a grumpy McKay stormed out past him. OK, really not a good time. He knocked on the door frame. "All safe?" 

"Yes, yes, you can come in, Colonel," Zelenka's voice could be heard replying.

Sheppard peered round the door frame and entered. "Everything okay?"

"Just a minor disagreement."

"I'd hate to see your major disagreements."

Zelenka smiled, "Yes, they are quite spectacular. The Christmas card list is much shorter after them. So what can I do for you?"

Sheppard took lowered his voice. "I wanted to talk to McKay but I guess that's out. Look, how has he been?"

"Angry, very angry, short tempered, irritable, nothing that is not McKay. Is something wrong?"

Sheppard smiled, "He was looking a bit 'off' earlier; just wanted to see if anyone else had noticed anything."

Zelenka looked concerned. "Off how?"

"Clumsy, slow, easily confused, everything that is _not_ McKay."

Zelenka thought for a moment then replied, "He has been having more problems than usual. I mean to say things he would usually have done in a matter of minute seem to take him twice as long at the moment, although he is still faster than anyone else here. Do you know what's wrong?"

"I'll give you one guess, but I think he'll be okay. He just was looking a bit pale this morning so I thought I'd check."

"Of course. I'll let you know if I notice anything."

"It's appreciated, Radek."

"No problem, Colonel."

* * *

McKay stared into the mirror. He didn't recognize the man before him or even the one in the pictures on his wall. The longer he stared the more alien he seemed. He stripped and got into the shower, the shower had manual on/off control and temperature adjustment, but for those with the ATA gene the showers seemed to automatically heat to the user's required temperature. It was a certain oddity of Atlantis that Zelenka and McKay had been unable to explain yet. 

Standing in the shower, the water on, McKay zoned out, thinking of nothing in particular. He shook his head and looked down at his hands, wrinkled, well more correctly rather prunish. He'd definitely been in here for some time. He was about to step out but the water was so warm, enveloping, comforting; he just stood there for a minute longer. When he realized he'd been staring at the same tile for, well possibly forever, but that was unlikely, more correctly impossible, because forever… the water was so warm, he felt so tired. Maybe if he just sat down for a moment, then he could get out.

What struck McKay first was the cold, the icy cold tendrils that lashed at his body. He shivered. Water? Since when was there… uh oh, he wearily opened his eyes to see the shower cubicle. He'd fallen asleep in the shower. 'Great, just great,' he thought. Not only was he was a walking prune, he'd probably end up with a cold too. He heaved himself up and switched the jet of ice cold water off. He stepped out the shower and dried himself quickly. They'd never managed to find cold water in their testing, certainly not this cold. Something to tell Zelenka about, well maybe not how he discovered it. McKay ran a hand through his damp hair. His eyes still burned with tiredness, he needed to sleep, in a bed.

* * *

The laboratory was bustling. Everyone seemed to be demanding something of him. McKay was working on a small Ancient device the size of a small pebble; it fitted snugly into the palm of his hand. Its surface was opaque all the way round; there were no visible switches or interfaces to work with. McKay was trying to activate it when a movement in the corner of his field of vision distracted him. He ignored it but it continued. He lifted his head to see Zelenka's frustrated face, his mouth was moving but McKay was hearing none of the words. 

He just kept staring straight past Zelenka. It was Collins.

"Everything okay, Rodney? You look like you have seen a ghost."

Collins seemed so real, almost as though if he reached out McKay would be able to touch him.

"Err, umm." McKay hesitated momentarily forgetting Zelenka's question. "Yes, yes, everything's fine. What did you want?"

"I was going to suggest you try that there."

McKay scowled at Zelenka but did as he suggested and the device lit up.

Zelenka smiled. "Any idea what it is?"

"Let's find out, shall we?"

* * *

tbc. 


	2. Part 2

Sheppard was eating in the mess hall with McKay, a few weeks had passed since the Arcturus incident and while their relationship was strained at best they were at least still on speaking terms. Sheppard studied McKay's face. He looked better than the other day; there was something about seeing his animated face that made the world seem more positive… well it used to. Now every new discovery he made was taken with a pinch of salt, his enthusiasm had been dampened considerably and sometimes he looked rather dejected. Sheppard was pleased to see McKay back to his old animated self, even if he was wary of McKay's talk of Ancient devices when he blatantly didn't know what they were for.

Sheppard raised his eyebrows at McKay, "You turned it on?"

"The electromagnetic signals it emits are very similar to-"

Sheppard saw McKay's face pale; his eyes widen and watched as his fork clattered onto the plate.

"McKay?" There was no answer, so Sheppard turned to see what was behind him that had freaked McKay. There was nothing, just an empty table and the wall. "Rodney?" he said with a greater sense of urgency.

McKay blinked and looked down at his plate. "Erm it was, it emits sim- similar," he was obviously struggling to regain his train of thought and his composure, "signals to a -"

"McKay, what's up?"

"Nothing." McKay straightened in his chair and picked up his fork signaling to Sheppard that he was going to give nothing away easily. "We don't know what the device is exactly, still need to run more tests. How's your training with Ronan going?"

"If Teyla beat me every time, Ronon positively whoops my ass."

McKay gave a half hearted smile, "Still haven't won?"

"Just a matter of time," replied Sheppard.

"Yeah, a few millennia and you'll be all set."

"Practice makes perfect."

McKay rolled his eyes in reply and resumed shoveling the reconstituted mash into his mouth.

* * *

McKay paced in his room. He wasn't crazy, he wasn't crazy, he wasn't crazy. Then what was seeing dead people if not crazy? They seemed so real at the time, yet he knew they shouldn't be there. Maybe ghosts? It would be easier if he actually believed in them. Then he could at least kid himself these weren't hallucinations. 'Wait, those EM signals the device emitted they were similar to... to a device Jonas Quinn found that allowed interdimensional visions. 'Yes, that was it!' 

Although why anyone would want to see the mutilated corpses of their friends and colleagues was beyond McKay. Maybe there was an afterlife after all; maybe that's where they were, on a different plane of existence, but close enough to this one that the device allowed them to be seen.

He sensed a movement behind him and spun round to see Peter Grodin. McKay didn't move and Peter looked right through him. That really creeped McKay out, like _he_ didn't exist. As if sharing his head with Cadman hadn't been testing enough now he had to share his field of vision with dead colleagues.

McKay tentatively reached out to prove to himself that the vision was just that. He touched Peter's arm and recoiled when he momentarily sensed contact before Peter vanished. His hand was tingling. 'It was nothing. Nothing. You expected to feel so you felt it.' He fled from the room and headed back to the lab. That device had to be deactivated. If the entire crew of Atlantis started seeing dead people the place would fall apart.

He entered the now empty lab. It was late and Zelenka had insisted that everyone actually use their free time to do something other than work, everyone had complied except Zelenka. McKay picked up the still glowing device and disconnected the wires.

"Rodney? What are you doing?"

"No one under any circumstances is to reactivate that device. Or touch it. Understand?"

"But if you would just te-"

"Radek?"

"Understood."

McKay placed the device in a box and sealed it, placing it into the shielded storage container in the corner of the room. 'There, all gone.'

* * *

After a few days without anymore visions, he was sure it had worked and that the device was no longer active or a danger. He had been sleeping better the past few days too. He even overslept one day, waking to find his room a beautiful ambient temperature and the time at 11am when he was supposed to be woken by his alarm at 6.30am.

* * *

"I thought you said this was a sunny planet, McKay?" 

"Some of the year."

"And this would be the other part of the year?" Snarled Sheppard.

"The monsoon season, yes."

"Monsoon!"

"The weather readings taken by the MALP showed nothing to indicate that any rain is due yet."

"Thanks for the warning, McKay! The one mission where we have to trek through thick jungle because the jumper has no place to land by the ruins, and you somehow _FORGOT_ to tell me that this planet is due for heavy rain!"

"Not that heavy really, just continuous." McKay smiled but was grimacing inwardly. He had meant to tell Sheppard but it had just slipped his mind.

* * *

McKay was alone in the central room of the structure. He had found nothing of interest or note so far; Teyla and Ronon where checking the other rooms and Sheppard was outside surveying the skies for signs of rain. 

McKay was knelt on the floor; he looked up to see Sheppard enter the room. He squinted against the light that silhouetted him, then squinting harder, McKay saw it was Gaul. He felt nothing except a sense of foreboding when he saw the gun hanging in Gaul's right hand being raised to his temple. McKay's body was frozen rigid with fear; he couldn't do anything but stare. There was no sound as the bullet penetrated the skull. It was like a silent movie as the bright blood slowly seeped its way across the floor towards him, weaving it's way between skull fragments, edging closer until it was lapping at his knees. McKay felt a gentle touch to his shoulder, and flinched in surprise emitting a squeal as he did so. He looked back to the door and Gaul was gone. McKay was vaguely aware of someone calling his name. He felt the grip on him increase in strength; he turned his head to see who it was, half expecting it to be Abrahams.

"Abrahams?" He said quietly. It was Sheppard.

"McKay, Rodney! What is it?"

McKay wondered what he should say, he was silent instead, his mouth sewn shut.

"That's it! We're going back to Atlantis."

McKay heard Sheppard call Teyla and Ronon back on the radio. All he was able to do was turn away from Sheppard and vomit. He was sure Gaul's blood still stained his clothes even though there was no longer any blood on floor, he still felt dirty. He heard Sheppard telling Ronan and Teyla that something was wrong, and felt Teyla's gentle hands rubbing his back and supporting him as he continued to retch. He wasn't sure what to say to them, indecision was so new, so alien to him.

tbc.


	3. Part 3

Beckett met the team as they came through the gate. Sheppard had radioed ahead to say there had been a problem and that McKay was ill. When McKay came through the gate arguing vehemently that he was not ill, Beckett sighed inwardly. An argumentative McKay made for a stressful afternoon.

The team accompanied McKay into the infirmary and had to be shooed away after McKay was uncooperative, appearing to be uneasy talking in their presence. As Sheppard stepped out of the infirmary, he pulled Beckett aside.

"Whatever he says, something's wrong. He wasn't reacting and then he just vomited. All he said was 'Abrahams?' I was wondering about, maybe, Post Traumatic Stress? He's not military; he wasn't trained to deal with death." 'Not that anyone is,' Sheppard added in is mind.

"I'll bear that though in mind, Colonel, thanks, and I'll keep you informed as soon as I have a diagnosis."

Beckett made his way back over the bed McKay was sitting on. The rest of infirmary was thankfully empty so Beckett pulled up a stool and sat down by the occupied bed.

"So?" asked Beckett expectantly.

"So…"

"What happened, Rodney? The truth?"

"Dead people."

Beckett tried his hardest to keep an impassive face, although inwardly worry and fear for his friend was now running rampant.

"I see dead people," McKay gave a dark bitter laugh. "And now I'm part of second rate 'sci-fi' movie."

"When did this start?"

"Just over a week ago."

"What happened the first time? Was there a particular sound, smell that reminded you of someone?"

"I was working in the lab with Radek and, well, there he was."

"Who was there?"

"Collins."

"Did he say anything?"

"He just stared then he… vanished."

"How often has this been happening?"

"Often?"

"Rodney."

"Odd day or maybe a few times a day."

"Which is it?"

"Almost every day!" spat out McKay from between gritted teeth. "I'm sorry, I -"

"It's okay, Rodney. What are your other symptoms?"

"Tired, not hungry," McKay fidgeted, "trouble… concentrating, remembering things."

"Anything else?"

"Not been feeling so great. It's harder than it used to be."

"What is?"

"Everyday." McKay rubbed his hands together. "So, when do I get out of here?"

"You know you're not going anywhere, Rodney."

"Are you going to ship me off to Heightmeyer?"

"Most likely but I need to run some tests first to check your brain chemistry."

"And if I'm not schizophrenic, you'll ship me off to Heightmeyer then?"

Beckett paused, "Just because your brain chemistry is normal it won't preclude a diagnosis of Schizophrenia, but psychosis isn't just caused by Schizophrenia. But yes, either way you will be seeing Heightmeyer. I'm not qualified to make a diagnosis and given the duration of your symptoms it is unlikely one can be made. You appear to be having a psychotic episode, Rodney, whether it's a reactive episode brought on by stress in which case it may spontaneously resolve, or whether it is the symptom of a severe mental illness I can't say."

McKay shifted awkwardly on the bed.

"Rodney," Beckett's voice was gentle, "this isn't the end."

McKay didn't look up; the pair sat in silence for a few minutes. Beckett reached out and gave McKay's shoulder a gentle touch. "It's not the end, you can survive this." He was about to walk towards his office when McKay suddenly spoke.

"There was a device. It was like one they found back on Earth, well not on Earth but through the Earth Stargate. It attracted beings from other planes of existence close to ours. You couldn't interact with them, you could just see them. I activated the device. When I double checked the readouts of its EM signals it was emitting I realized they were of a similar frequency to the ones emitted by the device the SGC found."

"Rodney, it's unlikely that you've found a plane of existence that holds only dead people you know and is visible only to you."

"Just, let me check it out, Carson."

Beckett didn't respond.

McKay swallowed. "Please?"

"I'm sorry, Rodney. I can't let you, while you're in a psychotic episode I can't let you handle ANY alien devices and dangerous substances. I also need you to hand me your side arm. "

* * *

McKay made a move to get up. 

"You've got to have that scan before you can go." Beckett placed a pen and a piece of paper in front of McKay, "Look, Rodney, I'll get Radek to check it out, but as much as we want to believe that an alien device is responsible, you have to face the possibility that it might be the other explanation, that there may be no external cause."

"That I may be losing my mind. Right got it. Made a note of that. Shall I tattoo that somewhere in case I forget?"

"Rodney, I know that in your world your mind is everything, but whatever happens, you'll still be Rodney McKay, you'll still have friends. Don't think that will change."

"Right."

McKay looked down at the piece of paper Beckett had placed in front of him, it was filled with long lists of statements and multiple choice options, the title of the page read 'Suicide Risk Assessment.'

* * *

Sheppard knocked on the door frame. Beckett looked up from his paper work and signaled for him to come in. Closing the door, Sheppard sat down. 

"You said you had a diagnosis?"

"As you know, tests have shown that Rodney's brain chemistry is within normal parameters. Heightmeyer has given a provisional diagnosis of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder with secondary psychotic symptoms." Beckett sighed, "McKay seems adamant that the device is causing him to see things."

"Are you sure the device isn't responsible?"

"I had Radek examine it, but he was unable to find anything to suggest that it is. As far as he can tell it appears to be a brightly colored toy for children to play with, the changing light frequencies were meant to stimulate specific parts of their brains. It doesn't do anything other than change color slowly when activated and glow dimly when not activated. Hell, it might as well be a night light."

"What now?" asked Sheppard.

"He's been prescribed some medication that should reduce the anxiety and depending on whether he continues to have hallucinations he will be prescribed anti-psychotic medication too."

"Wow. McKay? He's not going to be able to bounce back from, this is he?"

Beckett looked Sheppard in the eye, "I don't think he ever truly bounced back, after any of the deaths. Especially not after the Arcturus experiment."

"Is he going to be sent back to Earth?"

"It depends on his progress. If he continues to have hallucinations, he will be sent back to Earth and most likely held in a military secure unit. I'm sure you understand, Colonel, this isn't about what we want, it's about what's best for McKay, and if he is sent back to Earth he may well never return to Atlantis."

* * *

McKay woke from his sleep suddenly; he immediately sensed a presence in the room. 

"Hello?"

He heard a rustle by the curtains. The smell of charred flesh was unmistakable. Collins. He emerged from the shadows apparently untouched, his skin was smooth, pristine, not… like the last time McKay had seen him, yet there was still an unmistakable smell of burning. McKay turned his head away, determined not to give validity to this hallucination. It was when McKay felt the abrasive hand on his shoulder that his resolve wavered. He took deep breaths and tried to ignore it, repeating the 'it's not real' in his head over and over again. He sat down at his desk and started up his computer; he worked continuously for hours while things shifted around at the edge of his field of vision. He needed to get lost in his work more than he ever had before.

* * *

"How's he been coping?" Sheppard asked. 

Zelenka shifted uncomfortably. "I'm not sure, he's still very focused and dedicated, yet at the same time he is liable to get distracted. I know paperwork is boring but I think he might still be, you know."

"Seeing things?" Sheppard finished

"Yes, I catch him staring into space, but whenever I ask, he makes up an excuse, or just changes the subject. He's looked even more tired than usual lately. Yesterday at lunch he kept raising his fork to his mouth even after he'd finished his food. He didn't seem to notice his plate was empty." Sheppard motioned for Zelenka to continue. "But yes, he still seems more sluggish than he used to be before this, I've caught him in here at odd hours of the day, I do not think he has done anything but work recently."

Sheppard ushered Zelenka over towards a seat. "After Arcturus and that weapons test, he hasn't exactly been talking to me like he used to. He seems to have taken it hard -"

"The last straw?"

Sheppard nodded. "Look, whatever trust has been lost between me and him I still care and worry about him, I want to make sure he is going to be alright."

"Me too. I wish there was more we could do."

McKay entered the lab. "Talking about the crazy man behind his back? Nothing quite like _that_ to make him paranoid."

Sheppard looked up. "Rodney, I just wanted to check you were okay."

"Of course I'm not okay. I'm nuts remember?" McKay's voice softened, "If you want to know how I am, talk to _me_."

Sheppard understood McKay's objection, although he doubted whether approaching McKay directly would yield a truthful answer. "Sure, Rodney. Want to talk?"

"Not particularly. Radek, what did you do with the device?"

"It's still in the box over," Zelenka said pointing to a workbench.

McKay was fuming, "You removed it from shielded storage after I expressly told you not to?"

"Rodney, Carson wanted to know if it might be causing…"

"Hallucinations?" finished McKay.

"He only asked me to because you were so insistent that this was because of the device." Zelenka looked sad. "I'm sorry I couldn't give you the answer you wanted."

McKay looked like he was about to burst a blood vessel. "You just missed something. It is causing this." Zelenka and Sheppard looked skeptical "It is! It's responsible for all of this."

Sheppard stepped towards McKay. "Rodney, just calm down. We know it's not, and if you keep on with this…"

McKay fixed Zelenka with an accusing stare. "You missed something."

"Rodney, get some rest," came his tired reply.

McKay moved towards the box and removed the device. "The thing that's causing this is hidden in this device somewhere. I just need time to find it."

Sheppard sighed and made eye contact with Zelenka, the unspoken comment 'look after him.' Sheppard then exited the room, leaving a frantic McKay in the lab.

* * *

Zelenka's hushed voice came over the radio, "Dr Beckett, I need you in science lab one." 

Beckett put down his cup of tea and put on the earpiece, "Is it McKay?"

"He has been working on the device I was unable to prevent him from getting to it. He refuses to take a break or leave the lab."

"Has he had anymore hallucinations?"

"I do not know, but he is becoming violent," and a crash could be heard in the background along with raised voices. "He is frustrated and refuses to leave."

"I'll be there in a few minutes"

* * *

"Shut up and listen to me! I _NEED_ to work on this device. The visions are entirely its fault. I need to find out what it did to me!" 

Zelenka stood next to McKay, talking to him quietly; he glanced up when he saw Beckett enter the room and nodded.

"Rodney." McKay spun round upon hearing Beckett's voice and then looked back at Zelenka. "Radek! So much for friendship! Is everyone around here tiptoeing around the crazy man? Who's already condemned me to a mental institution? Hands up children."

Beckett slowly edged closer to McKay. "Rodney, we care about you."

"Because nothing says friendship _quite_ like betrayal."

"I'm sorry, Rodney," said Zelenka. "You need to understand it is not the device causing this, the cause is internal, not external. It isn't something you can quantify and test."

Alien territory.

McKay was still shouting, "You all need to SHUT UP and LISTEN to me, or we are _all_ in deep shit!"

"Rodney," Beckett's voice was soft.

"Listen to me, Carson!" Snarled McKay.

"Have you listened to yourself lately Rodney?"

"It was only after I contacted this device I started seeing things. There is no other explanation. If other people start seeing things the result would be catastrophic. I need to disable it now before it causes anymore damage!"

Zelenka looked sadly at McKay. "I handled the device and it didn't affect me. Why am I not seeing things?"

McKay looked flustered. "Well maybe, but there was… "He trailed off. He looked to Beckett in desperation as what he had been so vehemently disputing finally began to sink in. Beckett took him by the arm and steered him out into the deserted corridor. McKay promptly slumped to the floor. "What happens now Carson?" a tear slid down his cheek.

"Short term you're going to spend some quality time resting in the infirmary. Long term, it depends on how you respond to treatment. Rodney, this isn't a sign of weakness, nor is it a death sentence. You can recover, or at the very least we can help you manage the symptoms." Beckett watched as another tear rolled down McKay's face.

"I'm going back to earth aren't I?"

"I can't lie, Rodney. We're not equipped to deal with your requirements."

McKay gave a bitter laugh. "Nice warm padded cell it is then?"

Beckett gave McKay a hand up and they began walking towards the infirmary.

* * *

McKay was discharged later that day to rest in his quarters.

* * *

Atlantis had been watching McKay and the way he had rejected the visions the device had given him. She wondered if he wanted to heal at all, since all he seemed to do was block out painful memories he was not receptive to the healing potential of the device. More drastic action needed to be taken. After McKay entered his quarters, she closed the doors and sealed them.

tbc.


	4. Part 4

McKay lay on the bed, staring at the ceiling. He had tried to sleep, but it brought nothing but nightmares of death. Being awake wasn't much better, more visions of death, the dead. He tried to avoid their faces. That evoked a sense of guilt inside of him for surviving and guilt for not preventing their deaths. It was getting harder and harder to avoid them; they were almost constantly present now. McKay wove his way between Grodin, Lindstrom, DuMais and Peterson to reach the door on the other side of the room. He wondered what his tiptoed dance across the room really looked like. He felt like he was living in a morgue, a hideous nightmare, but to an observer… He held his breath as he crossed the room, hoping not to breathe in any of the ghosts, or whatever they were, that occupied his room. He laughed at his own fear, the irrationality of it. He hit the door control but nothing happened. He took off the cover and fiddled with the control crystals, but it still didn't open. He looked at his desk and realized he'd left his laptop in the lab, and his microphone. Trapped. Great. He tentatively looked over his shoulder to find his dead entourage still in tow. He hit his head against the door in frustration and desperation. His world had frayed at the edges. He didn't want to think about what that meant for the future, but if the future was anything like this…

A few hours had passed, and however much McKay tried to distract himself he couldn't ignore them. He had shouted at them, reminded himself they weren't there, but they seemed so real, too real. He had begun to wonder what was actually real…If _they_ seemed so real, what stopped everything else being a hallucination too?

It was when Collins sat on the end of McKay's bed, waiting expectantly for instruction that McKay really snapped. All the emotion he had been trying to quash and hide overwhelmed him. He already knew he was responsible for Collin's death and that tore at his heart. Behind Collins were the others who had died under his leadership, his friends and colleagues. He felt all the anger that had been wound up inside of him uncoil and assault him in a barrage of pain. He realized he was angry, not just because of what had happened, but with himself because he didn't prevent it from happening. For all his knowledge and expertise, he had not saved these men and women. Tears rolled down his cheeks. After Arcturus he had fought against the notion he might be fallible, but confronted with the evidence of his failings, he could no longer refute it. He no longer knew where he stood. In many ways he had lost all touch with who he was, the McKay he had been was self assured and competent, he felt he was neither anymore.

Who was he without his mind?

* * *

Zelenka was working in his room on his computer translating some ancient text when he looked up to see the face of DuMais staring back at him. He stared, she blinked, she seemed so real. He picked up and put on his headset without breaking eye contact. 

"Carson? We have a problem. It looks like Rodney was right. I just translated some text. It seems a device like the one Rodney was in contact with is designed to help in the grieving process by allowing the user to 'make their peace' by having visions of the dead. The lights are just a secondary function to aid meditation; the device is always operational, lights on or off."

Zelenka heard Beckett sharply exhale followed by a murmured, "Dear God."

"Where is McKay now?"

"I discharged him to his quarters this afternoon."

"Carson, I've tried to reach him on his headset but he has not responded."

"I'll get Sheppard onto that."

"And Carson…"

"Yes Radek?"

"I'm seeing people too now." Zelenka stared in horror as figures emerged behind DuMais; Collins, Lindstrom, Grodin. "Lots of people."

"I'll have someone right with you, Radek."

"Thanks, find Rodney. His mind is the one thing he feels gives him a value and purpose in this world."

"Understood. Beckett out."

* * *

"McKay! God damn it, McKay!" Sheppard continued hammering on the door. As soon as he had heard from Beckett about the device, he was running down the corridors searching for McKay. He checked his lab first, as despite what Beckett told McKay to do, that was where he was most likely to be. Sheppard had found McKay's headset discarded on the desk. It was then the knot of fear in his stomach transformed into a horrible sinking feeling and he turned and ran to McKay's quarters. Finding them locked did nothing to calm Sheppard as he dug the life signs detector out of his pocket. Sheppard knew recent events must have taken their toll, but he didn't think… not McKay, McKay would fight, wouldn't he? 

He looked at the life signs detector to reassure himself, one person alive within, although it was not moving. "Elizabeth, I need an engineering team and Beckett to McKay's quarters immediately! Pull Zelenka out from the infirmary too, I can't override the door controls manually." Sheppard thought of McKay's slow deterioration, in amongst the hallucinations, there had been small things, a look of utter despair, a quietly uttered self deprecating remark, things that were not McKay. Sheppard cursed himself. There should have been alarm bells in his head instead of minor worry about them and now it had come to this… "McKay, open up," his voice softened "we can talk…Rodney, just let me in, please, Rodney! Rodney, it's the device, you're not crazy!"

* * *

Atlantis watched as McKay spiraled into dark despair. Why was he not embracing the chance to make peace? She watched as he cried himself to sleep. When he began dreaming she took the opportunity to intervene.

* * *

McKay sat in the puddle jumper looking at the ancient outpost, waiting for it to explode in a shower of destruction. 

Grodin's voice crackled over the radio. "It's not your fault, McKay, don't blame yourself. You're human; accept that some things are beyond your control." McKay turned to see Collins and DuMais sitting on the other side of the jumper.

Collins spoke. "He's right, McKay."

* * *

McKay woke to an empty room. He was disturbed by the dream, although it had given him a sense of peace, it seemed humiliatingly artificial. He didn't feel ready to accept that forgiveness yet. Almost against his will, the warmth in the room lulled him back to sleep.

* * *

Finally the engineering team managed to burn hole in the door to enter the room through. Sheppard was first in, immediately followed by Beckett. McKay was lying still on the bed. Sheppard rushed to his friends' side, and pressing his fingers into his neck, was relieved to find McKay had a pulse. Beckett reached out and tried to rouse McKay. 

"Sorry to wake ya, Rodney. I need to make sure you're okay, then you can go back to sleep. You had us all mighty worried."

"Huh?" McKay sleepily dragged a hand over his face. "What are you doing in here?" McKay looked from Sheppard to Beckett and back again.

"You were trapped. We couldn't contact you," Sheppard explained.

"Oh yeah."

Looking at Sheppard's face and the fear that was still etched in the features. "Wait. You thought I'd…?"

"You wouldn't, would you?"

"No." At least not because of this he added silently.

McKay shifted himself upright and swung his feet off the side of the bed Sheppard was kneeling next to.

"Are you okay then?"

McKay thought about it. He wasn't sure he was. Staring at the floor, he wasn't sure that was actually the floor either. It was a strange new world, clouded with doubt and indecision; he'd lost touch with his old self and his confidence.

"It was the device, Rodney. Radek says the device responded to the user's level of grief." His voice was gentle. "The things you were seeing were created and planted in you by the device. They didn't come from you," Sheppard paused. "I'm sorry."

McKay kept his head down staring at the floor. "Me too."

"I never stopped trusting you, McKay. We all make mistakes, just some people's are bigger than others. People died, and that's something you'll have to learn to live with, but it can be done, I know it can. There's still so much you've yet to do, good things, like fixing the coffee machine you threw across the room." Sheppard's face was serious again, "You just need time, and you'll heal. I know you can."

"Thanks for your faith, Colonel, but I have my doubts."

"That's not the McKay I know."

"He was an arrogant man."

"I kind of liked him."

McKay gave a smile, one tainted by despair and weariness. "Really?"

"Do you know how many times he saved my ass and the collective asses of everyone here?" Sheppard smiled when he saw McKay was still smiling, "Lunch?"

McKay looked up at Sheppard for the first time since he had entered the room and kept smiling.

"Of course" McKay replied quietly and his eyes sparkled in a way Sheppard had almost forgotten they could. There were a lot of things to work through, both for McKay and for them but he hoped McKay would realize people were there for him, however awkward it was to actually talk to them. Looking at McKay's face, Sheppard saw hope there, something that had been missing for a while, hope for himself, hope for their friendship, hope for Atlantis.

* * *

Sensing the friendship within the room, Atlantis was satisfied that McKay would be well cared for. Sometimes she wanted to touch her children, scold them, and tell them they were hurting her, but she never could. As much as she was supposed to be the observer, the housekeeper, she couldn't help but intervene sometimes, even if it was against their will. She knew best, mother always knew best… and most importantly none of them knew who she was, they knew of Atlantis, but not her, she existed in the background, a guardian spirit… 

Who was willing to hold people against their will. Boundaries had existed and they had now been violated; only none of the men in that room knew it. McKay would put down the doors behind stuck shut to a random malfunction and life would continue, but once the line had been crossed, there was no turning back.

fin.


End file.
